Thursday, May 24, 2007


Boy, won't it be great when you can take a pill instead of sleeping, and you'll feel totally refreshed and alert, with no unpleasant side-effects? Man, I can't wait for that hypothetical future time. What's that, you say? That pill exists RIGHT NOW? And it's available to anyone who's willing to visit an unscrupulous doctor and claim to have narcolepsy? But surely this pill has a totally un-Aldous Huxley-an name. What's that, you counter? It's got a wicked Huxley-an name, Provigil? Okay, okay. But surely this pill is not prescribed by any official organizations whose opinions I can trust. Come again? It's prescribed for fighter pilots by the US military, the most trustworthy organization ever? Gee this sounds pretty good so far. But a pill this great is probably really jagged and pointy in shape, like a brittle sea star washed up on the rocks and dried in the sun.


Wednesday, May 23, 2007

XOOTR Kick Scooter

Two years ago, I ditched my car and moved from L.A. to Manhattan. I was looking forward to getting some exercise during my morning commute; however, I soon discovered that walking 50 blocks in the New York summer heat leaves you too stinky for the office. I didn’t have storage space for a bicycle, and roller blades require balance, so there was only one solution: a foldable kick scooter.

I shelled out $20 for a Razor scooter. It lasted one day. First, my co-workers each had a crack: “Does your mommy let you ride that alone?” “Is it 1997 again?” My co-workers were asses. Then, on the ride home, the Razor got stuck on a sidewalk crack, pitched me forward into a fence, and almost took out a tooth. I gave the Razor to my friends’ children – their teeth will grow back.

A few weeks later, while perusing the discount rack at the Strand bookstore, I saw an older guy in bike shorts with a two-wheeled contraption folded over his shoulder. This thing looked like a Razor, but it had larger wheels and a convenient hand brake (unlike the Razor’s piss-poor rear friction brake). Bike Shorts let me try the thing. It soared over sidewalk cracks, trash, and even a curb. I was in love. With the scooter, not the guy. He was wearing BIKE SHORTS. Ew.

The nearest Xootr dealer was NYCE Wheels, on York Avenue. I decided to get the Venus model. It had a light-weight board that’s easier to carry onto the subway. Plus, it sounded girlier.

Price: $289 with strap.

My Xootr has taken me pretty much all over Manhattan. I rode it through Central Park, where I raced a 7-year-old around the sailboat pond. Sucker. When the weather’s nice, I take it along the Hudson bike path, while Buttner jogs beside me. Once, I rode it down to the Home Depot. As I folded it up, the guard commended me (in a Jamaican accent) for “getting down with my funky self.” And, on September 11, 2006 I took my Xootr down to the World Trade Center memorial site. I hate to admit it, but even a trip down there was kinda fun on a Xootr.

When I first got it, my Xootr was a bit of an oddity. Foreign tourists would take pictures of me on it as if I were the Statue of Liberty or the Naked Cowboy or a black person. But lately, I’ve been seeing more and more Xootrs, especially in the bike lane on Central Park West. In fact, I recently received a telephone message from a retiree named Judy inviting me to join a Xootr club. No thanks Judy, I prefer to fly solo. But I know someone else who might be interested – if you don’t mind bike shorts.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Mindy Kaling Staples, Part Two

1. Chili Garlic Sauce

A lot of people like spicy food. One thing Danny and I have in common is that we also love spicy food, but usually it's not spicy ENOUGH for us. The extra-spicy Chili Garlic sauce is a delicious Vietnamese hot sauce that you will enjoy. I eat it on everything! It's great in chicken noodle soup, omelettes, even potato chips. Danny likes it better than Tabasco and I kind of agree.

Chili Garlic sauce is a hotter, more watery cousin to the more popular Thai Sriracha.

Sriracha has a nice sweet taste to it and only ranks a 2000 on the scoville scale. (the Scoville scale is the "hotness" scale that measures the nerve reactions in your mucus membranes to spicy foods. Totally interesting. Check it out on wikipedia.)

Price: $4.99, Whole Foods or any Asian or Indian grocery store.

2.Sherpani Meta Gym Bag

At my gym the lockers are very narrow. Most duffel bags are too wide, and so I used to have to half-empty out my bag to fit into the locker. Lame. Then I bought this awesome gym bag, narrow and pretty-colored, and my problems are solved.

There's also a helpful key fob so you can hook your carkeys on it (you just have to buy a carabiner), and an interior pocket for a water bottle to stay cool.

Price: $62.00 (comes in other cute colors, including a very pretty lime)

3. Blinc heated lash curler

Every girl who loves makeup knows the eyelash curler is one of the most indispensable tools to making your face look like a doe. But not everyone knows about this awesome (and totally safe) HEATED lash curler from blinc.

A small triple-A battery is all you need to warm this up for months. The result is outrageously curled, Betty Boop, "Oh my god, that girl must be stupid her lashes are so long", lashes. You can save all that money you were going to spend on the fancy Lancome mascara and use it to buy this curler. Seriously, one of the great little gimmicky gems that has actually panned out in my years of buying cosmetic junk.

Price: $25

Monday, May 07, 2007

Mindy Kaling Staples part one

I love thousands of things but I only NEED about thirty. These are staples. Yes, I know people might say I'm not adhering to "staple" in the strict bread-and-water sense of the word, but whatever you guys. Be serious.

1. Calypso "Julia" dress.

The Julia dress is probably better known as The Calypso Wrap Dress. (Or, since this blog is mostly male comedy writers, not known as anything.) It's in the store every season, in different colors, and never goes on sale. And why should it? Even Oprah has given it a shout-out in her magazine. A wrinkled silk dress - perfect for traveling, by the way - that ties and is flattering ON EVERY FIGURE. Paired with very feminine heels, and you're guaranteed gorgeous. At $195 it's worth three times that for the versatility and fun you'll have wearing it.

I just re-read the paragraph above and it seems like I am writing some shitty, shill-y, unfunny copy for the fashion section of a women's health mag. Please don't take this out on the dress, which is, I promise, T.F.A.

Price: $195

2. Gilligan & O’Malley® Modal Basic Thong

Best underwear in the world. From Target. Yep.

These thongs are the most comfortable, invisible, awesome underwear I have ever owned. Forget any of those fancy brands promising "no lines and no seams", which invariably give you elastic pooch or wedgies. This underwear is cut just right and made from the miracle material, Modal. What is Modal you ask? According to wikipedia: "Textiles made from Modal do not fibrillate, or pill, like cotton does, and are resistant to shrinkage and fading. They are smooth and soft, more so than even mercerized cotton."

Is this picture of a woman's pelvic area too big? I kind of feel weird posting it. I don't want it to seem pervy (I'm sure Will and Stupnitsky are enjoying it a lot though, so you're welcome.)

For fancy sexy-encounter underwear, go visit your friends at your local Agent Provocateur. These are called the Jillys. They are $120.

(I was recently told by Stupnitsky that thongs aren't sexy, that he thinks they are kind of gross. He prefers regular old underwear on girls. I guess less is not necessarily more in matters panty. I'm curious if this is just Gene's weird theory or whether he speaks for lots of normal guys. I tend to belive Gene because he's very good-looking and sincere, and today was wearing a fantastic man cardigan. Oh, Gene. Someone awesome date Gene!)

For everday basic awesome, it's Gilligan O'Malley. I own at least 30 pairs.

Price: $5.99/pair.

3. New Balance 991s.

I'm not an athlete but I love running. My feet are flat and wide, like Donald Ducks, though. In the olden days people like me were told we couldn't go to war and couldn't ever run because it would cause terrible shin splints. Luckily for us spatula-for-feets, there came along the incredible New Balance 991s. One of the only New Balance running lines not "urbanified" when New Balance went through changes in the late '90s, you can still see 44 year old white men running in these...and me. My boss Greg and I have only two things in common. 1) Our fondness for sweets and 2) our love of the 991s. But be quick! Rumor has it that New Balance is phasing out 991s for their new 992s, so both Greg and I stockpiled a few pairs of the 991s before they're gone forever. I bought mine at the venerable New Balance outlet on Life Street in Brighton, Massachusetts. But you can find them online.

These also make great fashion sneaks for guys. My brother wears these in brown, Forrester wears them in this cool pea green, and Ben-Jo has them in city-black. All look awesome with jeans. Way to go, Bro, Brent and Ben-Jo!

Price: anywhere from $70 to $130 (I got mine for $80)

4. Amazing Cosmetics Concealer.

I've talked in great detail about my skin and stuff. You guys know the deal. This concealer was recommended to me by an over zealous salesgirl at Ulta, and I was in one of those situations where I didn't have the boldness to say no, even though I totally didn't need concealer. I was even going to, secretly put it back on the rack when she turned to help someone else, but that never happened, and I felt too guilty not buying it. I was so steaming mad while she was ringing it up.

But then I used it and it was fucking outrageously great. And it should be. It's $40!! Yikes. But what's not yikes is how smoothly it blends into the skin around your eyes and mouth, both concealing darkness and providing a nice base for shadows. Jessica Alba and people like that use this stuff too, which impressed me for some reason.

Wow! What a great reason!