Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Valentines Day Lingerie

The great thing about Valentines Day is that, if you're a girl, you get to do nothing. Well, nothing official. Picking a place to have dinner, making reservations, planning other romantic date stuff, that's all out of our hands. This makes the day excruciatingly suspenseful, at least for me.

Unofficially, there's tons to do. All varieties of body waxing and nail-grooming going on. For me, the most fun thing is picking out a Valentines Day lingerie.

About now, my male readers probably have a gun to their heads. But wait! Don't shoot! This is helpful for you too. I think your ladies will be ultra-delighted if you were to present them with these gifts on Valentines Day. Nothing is a better scenario than this:

Hero: Hope you like this.
(Girl opens package)
Girl: Oh my god, adorable lingerie in a size small!
Hero: Well, I just figured you seem so tiny to me, so...
Girl: Oh my god, I do??
Hero: Oh hell yeah. You're like a little dab of butter. Or a beautiful rose.
Girl: Really?
Hero: Yeah, now stop yappin' and go put that on. (nb. It's okay to order girls around once you've covered them with compliments).

Here are my choices:

1. I'm very literal minded about holidays. I like wearing Christmas tree earrings at Christmas parties. It's the old lady-tchotchke side of me. That's why I love lingerie with hearts on it for Valentines Day. It's super cute, and shows a charming adherence to holiday themes.

I love these Fredericks of Hollywood bra set and garter set. Too cute.

Embroidered heart bra: $32
Embroidered heart thong: $18
Embrodered heart garter $22

2. For a sophisticated look, or if you're worried about color, I love this Panache bra set. Everyone looks good in sheer black, and it's sexy cuz it doesn't look like you dressed up for Valentines Day, you just always wear dope underwear.

Panache Eliza balconet bra: $62

available at www.figleaves.com

3. Dude, it's Valentines Day. When else are you going to wear a freakin corset?

Commitment at this Dita von Teese level is so admirable and hot, your guy is gonna freak. This is the Honeymoon Suite corset at my favorite L.A. lingerie haunt, Trashy Lingerie.

Price: $200

Available at Trashy Lingerie at www.trashy.com, but it's worth it to hit the store on La Cienega. The salespeople are so helpful and cool there.

4. Do you love sparkle and glitz? You will look like Beyonce in this bra and panty set by Kiki Montparnasse, which happens to be the glammiest, funniest girl-sex-shop line ever.

Demi padded bra: $247
Open back bikini: $122

Available at kikidm.com

5. Are you a little shy, but want to be fashion-y? This Simon Perele bustier and boyshort combo should do the trick!

A very cool and unusual mix of lace and houndstooth pattern make this a must-have. Also, bustiers both a)cover your midsection up a bit and b) make you ass look super round and juicy.

Bustier: 73.70
Boyshort: $42

available at bluefly.com

6. And last but not least, the naughtiest of my Valentine's faves, some ridiculously slutty and provocative panties and cuffs by Spoylt.

You are just a terrible, poorly-raised girl, aren't you?

Price: from $100 - $150
available at www.spoylt.com

Hue by Tracy Reese

One problem with winter is that all your cute tiny going-out dresses seem ridiculously unwearable. I have a closet full of mini dresses that are perfect for the winter season (deep reds and metallics and velvets) but it's too cold, man! Even in Los Angeles.

I am going to New York for the week of Valentines Day, and I hear it's a mausoleum of ice and wind. I'm terrified.How am I going to wear my adorable little Nave dress and walk down Grand Avenue?

Those cruel Brooklyn hipsters will make fun of me for shivering. And what if the wind knocks my skirt up? Unlike Carrie Bradshaw, I won't be wearing Jeffersonian pink knickers. Probably I'll be wearing brown Target super-panties, which are great in their own way but dreadful to look at.

The answer (did any of you actually think I didn't have an answer?) is Hue by Tracy Reese tights.

Tracy Reese is my favorite designer now.

Her clothes are ultra feminine and playful, the kind of clothes that make you want to make sure to get a mani-pedi. These are some of her clothes from last season.

Tracy Reese paired up with the venerable stocking company Hue to make some absolutely awesome tights this year. They are so wearable and so inexpensive (compare to $50 and up Wolford tights), you should go out and buy a bunch and treasure them for when they inevitably discontinue this line.

Just look at them. Drama!! (Cue "Legs" by ZZ Top.)

Good for: Women with gams in cold climates. A perfect stocking stuffer for next Christmas.

Price: $17 (on sale) at nordstrom.com

Tuesday, January 22, 2008


I love a good mystery. This is a common thing among comedy writers I know, I think. There's a narcissism of small differences/jealousy thing going on that keeps me from enjoying a lot of comedy books (with some notable exceptions: anything George Saunders and "Confederacy of Dunces" -- these are not original, please don't make fun of me). My co-worker Michael Schur and boss Greg Daniels love Terry Southern a great deal, whom I have not read. Danny likes the writings of his Simpsons's great John Schwartzwelder, and since he basically doesn't like anything, I bet he's good, too.

Reading good mystery books is one of the great joys of my life. But finding them is very difficult. The genre is bloated with poorly written and formulaic crap. I found a similar thing with the chick-lit genre. For every one "Bridget Jones' Diary" there are 100 terrible, terrible books, like "Babysitting for the Barney's Blonde" or "Thirty-Nine, Single, and Manolo" or whatever.

But Mysterary, the genre of mystery books that are written with substance, is probably the best type of book written. When a writer can weave a compelling, suspenseful story and the prose is inventive and smart, I'm like, damn.

Here are a few I highly recommend:

1. Duplicate Keys by Jane Smiley

Jane Smiley, beautiful genius I adore. "A Thousand Acres" is one of my favorite books ever, and I was surprised she had written this great little mystery novel. The characters are amazing and the twists and turns of the story are delicious. Jane Smiley is amazing because she jumps genres so much and masters them so fast. I love this book.

2. What the Dead Know by Laura Lippman

This is amazing book I read over Christmas break. I read it in like three days, then re-read it because the first time I was focused on the brilliant plotline unfolding and the second time I focused on Ms. Lippman's crisp, unusual writing.

Both available at Amazon.com for under $15

Monday, January 21, 2008

All Things Peppermint

Sometimes I will have guest bloggers. Usually they are good-looking acquaintances. Dave Waghalter meets both criteria, plus he likes candy, so extra cute. Let's hear what he has to say.*

*David sent me this before my month-long holiday sabbatical. This is a timely piece, posted late by vacationing, derelict me. Take it away, David!


I like candy canes.

Especially when they're crushed to bits and swirled into other sugared-up treats. Candy Canes Joe-Joes are the latest example of this sublime December trend. Joe-Joe's are Trader Joe's answer to Oreo cookies - but without the death-hastening high-fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated oils. They are delicious and come in a variety of flavors - chocolate, vanilla, ginger... and now, Candy Cane. What you got is a regular chocolate cookie sandwich, with pulverized peppermint candy mixed into the creamy vanilla middle. It is chocolately delicious and mintily refreshing.

To up the mint ante, take a box into your local Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf establishment and order a Peppermint Ice Blended. You can choose vanilla or mocha base (we purists stick with the vanilla), which tastes great even when you ask for the "light" version. If you go early in the morning where temperatures can approach freezing even in Southern California, you might want to go with the latte version
(careful - the delicious beverage you are about to enjoy is very hot!).

For those of you unfortunate rabble who live near neither Trader Joe's nor Coffee Bean, why not jazz up your favorite mug of hot cocoa with a splash of Peppermint Schnapps? And your local grocery store is sure to carry Ghiradelli's Peppermint Squares and/or Peppermint Bark Bars. No matter where you live, there is plenty of sweet peppermint goodness to go around this time of year.

Candy Cane Joe-Joes $2.99
Peppermint Ice Blended $4.50
Peppermint Schnapps $10.99
Peppermint Squares (bag) $8.99
Peppermint Bark Bar $2.99

So Low Fold-over Ruffle Yoga Pants

Let's just get one thing straight. Little girls and pre-teens should not wear So Low.

This is seriously their icon. For those of you who haven't been to a mall when junior high gets out, that icon is the universal symbol for "I'm wearing a thong and my pants are so low you can see the t-shaped swatch of underwear on my lower back".

It's just so racy! Like I've said on numerous occasions, girls should wear Osh Kosh B'Gosh overalls until they're 16 years old, and not be allowed to date until sophomore year in college (freshman year is for figuring out who you really are).

That being said, women in their 20's should totally embrace this brand. I recently forgot to pack a change of pants at my gym, so after my workout I had nothing to wear. I hate when I do this, because I have oodles of Target gym pants I buy at the end of the season when they get marked down from $29.99 to $9.99. (For the record, no one has ever accused me of looking good when I work out. This has actually been a point of contention with some ex-boyfriends. It's just it's so much more comfortable to work out in baggy tshirts. Nothing is more gratifying on a long run than to wipe my forehead on my Dartmouth Outdoor Clubs Freshman Trips '97 size XXL tshirt.

I simply don't know how Eva Longoria or Ali Larter or whomever work out in their spray on BeBe gymwear or whatever.)

So anyway, I was about to buy some generic black yoga pants when I saw these adorable motherfuckers.

I bought them immediately and they weren't even on sale. When I put them on I couldn't believe exercise pants could be so comfortable and cute. I didn't even KNOW that everyone's favorite Charlie's Angel wearing them too.

The great thing about the So Low foldover pants is that you can wear them as low (Heidi Montag) or as high (me) as you want to. They're pricey, but there's a reason. Unlike foldover gym pants from cheaper brands, So Low's don't stretch and lose their shape, inevitably causing you pants to fall down as you walk.

Good for: Low-maintenance girls who want to look cute when they work out.

Price: $75 at www.solowstyle.com

Friday, January 18, 2008

Domo Kun USB Flash Drive

I have really shoddy wireless internet in my new house. And instead of getting on the phone and fixing it, I like, get all preachy to myself and am like, "Well, this is God's way of telling me to get offline and go be creative" or something, and then I go to Milk on Beverly and sample gelato all afternoon.

Unfortunately, more often than not, the spotty internet strands me when I'm trying to write at home, and I'm left unable to email a damn thing to myself. I start having that sinking/sickening feeling that all my hard work is going to disappear if something should happen to my computer.

That's why I bought this adorable flash drive. Domo Kun, or Hello Kitty's Pyschotic Boyfriend, as I call him, will hungrily eat up your hard work and saves it in his tummy until you need it later. All of sudden you take something totally nerdsville (backing up your important documents) and make into something fun. I know it looks like a piece of shit gadget I bought at like, Pinkberry, but he totally has 1GB of USB memory and is PC an Mac compatible.

Good for: pre-teens, writers, gay youngsters

Price: $60 at urbn.com